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There is no peace

My Sylvia II blogs are far too upbeat. I don't dare say quite what my reality is. Maybe all meaning for life was simply an invention, an illusion, before but with his affection, companionship, shared outlook I could fool myself.

The best I can say and it is true is I prefer not to kill myself. Annihilation is worse as long as I have enough money to live -- here and there I enjoy this or that. I've again been snubbed by the woman across the way; what is so unacceptable about me I've never known but it's so -- and he was no more acceptable. She now is unwilling to answer brief questions: like is hers a good cleaning service, would she recommend them, what is their name? No she is ever expecting guests and must run away. If I don't get that volunteer job I fear I face isolation.

In a way it would be better if I could die naturally and easily -- but life is too tough for that. I don't want to kill myself because most methods are awful and I don't want to desert or be hated. It really is hopeless for me, a 20 year life sentence. It wasn't his fault -- he didn't want cancer nor to die but he felt maybe rightly he was not going to get any better treatment no matter what we paid or where we ran or to whom. He was dispensable. White males' widows are not burnt in suttees but pensioned maybe as a final payment to the male and his family of their life given up to the present rotten order.


Then left to be alone.

He, like most people, didn't choose what he did, but did it out of instinct, need, some semi-conscious deep drive. But I do think his drive in the time after the operation failed was to take the line of least resistance to find some peace. In that sense it was easier to die and were it not for the horrific pain and misery he knew I would say he was luckier than me. Maybe that's why people do say the one of a pair who dies is the luckier. I can't say this for real as what he endured was beyond horror (the humiliation of his body for example) but theoretically, from the standpoint of the terrors that existence can wreak on us.

What fools we were. We did not know he was a dead man once he was deemed to have esophageal cancer. I remember us walking to try to regain his strength.

Sylvia

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