misssylviadrake (misssylviadrake) wrote,

This year will forever after for me be the year he died

It remains to be seen if it is also to be the year I tried hard not to be destroyed, and precisely because I tried so hard, I was destroyed. Made myself all the more an available victim.

He did say I should not try but live quietly and not pay attention to what others thought at all. That was among his last words to me.

I have been paying attention and not living quietly but going out a lot.

From Mary Wortley Montagu's poems:

What Lesson is it must restore my Rest?
The firmness of my Soul gives way,
Some pitying Power behold what I endure ...

The admiral really thought I'd be okay.  It seems to me now here at least he was wrong.

I'm not okay without him.

Bu whatever happens, life as I knew it is over for me forever; I cannot maintain that way of life. Instead I rush about trying to please and be with people, flailing crazily.  The bad judgement was this trying, especially trying to deliver that black American girl doll.  I'll never ever go again to that place or to any place where I don't know where it is and no one appreciates my efforts. How could I have been knocking my head against a brick wall that way.

Izzy half-sleeps in her room and does not want me to help her stay up. Across the street in the darkness I see a house lit. I know that woman (a widow like me who lost a husband in his mid-60s to a terrible cancer and who has let me know she does not want more than a passing acquaintance -- why should she?) has her trees outside lit, in the house a son, a daughter and boyfriend. I saw a car drop someone off. I'll never know this sort of thing ever. Now he's gone never be with others in that way.  I could be with him that way and once in a while Yvette would join in.

It is so hard to die, to lie in the ground and rot, lose consciousness.  The admiral thought I should try to be happy based on my books writing reading movies and that he left me enough money to do it. But computers break down and what I am to do to fix it? Today I had a harrowing incident where I could have locked myself out of my MacBook Pro by trying to buy music on itunes in my iphone. I have got to put all gadgets far from me..

I am alone with my cat tonight in the silence. I watch Love Actually -- this warm comforting film with its hopeful children. Bill Nighy keeps saying it's all crap and yet we see him kind to a male friend. Like Downton Abbey everyone kind to one another.

See last year's http://misssylviadrake.livejournal.com/112762.html">Christmas is all around us. l love all the actors. It is stufed with my favorite actors and actresses -- especially Emma Thompson and Colin  Firth. Hugh Grant's over voice is very comforting: what he says is a counterweight to Bill Nighy's scriipt.
Miss Drake
Tags: cancer, jim's death, social life, widowhood

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