misssylviadrake (misssylviadrake) wrote,

2014 desolation

I have not written here in a while so you don't know that after all the DMV has kept my license suspended after I gave them all the documentation they requested, which shows I am not epileptic and have none of the conditions they said they were concerned by. They have the power to look into my prescriptions and demand explanations out of any psychological records. Did you know that? why is Snowden so exercised by the NSA?

Here is yesterday's exhausting day set of distress upon distress. Today walking to and from an HD-opera I felt my heart beating super-quickly and when I went to cross the street someone almost ran me over. People in cars in Virginia don't believe there are creatures called pedestrians and when these creatures get in the way the drivers get indignant. I hope if someone reads this blog after I have died of this you will tell someone with power to make some splash that the DMV was responsible for my death.

So what else do I have to tell of my year thus far: I am going to start volunteer teaching of Jane Austen to older retired people.  I'm feeling the important voices I've lost forever. My father's. What would he have said about this license loss? I suspect he would have raged on my behalf. I remember how he raged at the way I was treated at Metropolitan Hospital up in Spanish Harlem after a car accident (I was not a driver but a pedestrian). Jim would be started. Utterly unexpected after 34 years of driving with hardly a ticket.

It's now been 25 years since I've talked with my father and had the comfort and intelligence of his conversation. We would phone once a week in the 1980s.

Sometimes I can imagine what Jim would say about something that just happened. About the cell phone he'd have told me again and again I'm a fool to have bought one. He never wanted one. We had old flip phones as phones.  But many things I cannot guess and it hurts not to know because so often his jokes made things unimportant; he gave me good advice: he might have known my license was still suspended and I must not buy car for $17,000 for which I must pay insurance.  He would have enjoyed Prince Igor with us today.

These things make a big difference in our lives.

I don't see how I can survive if this goes on and on and on this way. I am powerless but before I had the shelter of his presence, his understanding, his strength, his help. I am naked to the winds. I am a person one wall of whose house has blown away.

Tags: dmv, jim's death, widowhood

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