misssylviadrake (misssylviadrake) wrote,

Coping with the Night

Dear friends,

Night time for me is hard. I'm alone as the Admiral and Yvette usually go to bed early. I'm talking about after 9:30 pm.  Before this sometimes the Admiral and I walk and I like that, wandering about, especially in Old Towne where there's a lively night life, people in cafes, street performers, the Potomac down at the end with boats and boardwalks:

Neil Blaine (1922-96), Harbour from Banner Hall (1986) -- idyllic version

It's after this time I have to fight depression at night harder than any other. I don't have the energy to read in the same way;  -- work for physicking pain, salvation, gratification, peace, absorption.

Comfort books I can really read are a great help. ut I can't always read :) My mind gives out after a day's effort.  last night I did manage one novel for an hour or so.

I sometimes even too tired to watch movies in the form of DVDs (and I love mini-series from great novels) or video cassettes. Last night I watched two stirring parts from the first season of Poldark

I can often write when I can do nothing else -- not fancy stuff for publication, but on the Net and to friends. Only I know I must not trespass or make a fool out of myself by overwriting on listservs or facebook. And my blogs can be hard work :).  My mind grows dizzy trying to do them. Yet there is gratification. Especially the next morning when I get up and revise.

The Net helps enormously here -- for many years now. Letters from and to friends; postings, the little missives from facebook.

The cats are here; my home is comfortable, many windows, lots of air, nothing to intimidate me in false or showy furniture.  Nothing or very little for show.  But I do get sad and lonely. I am alone much of the day is probably part of this.

I've worked at more successfully since coming onto the Net (with help from friends I met here) at going to conferences, joining clubs (JASNA -- Jane Austen society) and I take Yvette to movies we both enjoy and go with her to young Adults Aspergers clubs and groups (and parent support groups). But for the most part I am alone - as perhaps many here are and at night none of this applies.

I'm in two minds about this as often I don't enjoy myself all that much socializing; it causes anxiety getting there, I often experience it (not all the time, sometimes it is just enjoyment) with ambiguous feelings, and usually afterwards think about what happened with some painful sensations or in ambivalent ways -- I tend to expose myself unless I keep self-control strong.   So I'm also at peace. I love the music from NPR each evening as well. I imagine others are listening to it with me from around those places where NPR reaches.

I sent some of the above to my friends on Women with Aspergers and as a result of what they said I replied:

I do know of marriages that broke up because one spouse or partner insisted, insisted on the other watching TV with her (it was a her the one I'm remembering) and of course the program she wanted.  When I was young, I used to find it very irritating the way my mother would latch onto me and follow me around the house, not letting me have a moment to myself. Most of the time she worked outside the house (in offices) but when she was home, it was frustrating. And then she'd get angry as she saw I wanted to get away from her (my father too wanted to escape to a book) so she'd start quarrels based on what she disliked fundamentally about the house, our way of life &c&c.  Made for miserable evenings.

I also got kind, helpful, and supporive replies by many sharing my experiences and telling how they spent their evenings. As I expected, many people are alone at night and cope with it in similar ways to mine.

Tags: life-writing (mine), listserv life

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