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Coping with the Night

Dear friends,

Night time for me is hard. I'm alone as the Admiral and Yvette usually go to bed early. I'm talking about after 9:30 pm.  Before this sometimes the Admiral and I walk and I like that, wandering about, especially in Old Towne where there's a lively night life, people in cafes, street performers, the Potomac down at the end with boats and boardwalks:

Neil Blaine (1922-96), Harbour from Banner Hall (1986) -- idyllic version

It's after this time I have to fight depression at night harder than any other. I don't have the energy to read in the same way;  -- work for physicking pain, salvation, gratification, peace, absorption.

Comfort books I can really read are a great help. ut I can't always read :) My mind gives out after a day's effort.  last night I did manage one novel for an hour or so.

I sometimes even too tired to watch movies in the form of DVDs (and I love mini-series from great novels) or video cassettes. Last night I watched two stirring parts from the first season of Poldark

I can often write when I can do nothing else -- not fancy stuff for publication, but on the Net and to friends. Only I know I must not trespass or make a fool out of myself by overwriting on listservs or facebook. And my blogs can be hard work :).  My mind grows dizzy trying to do them. Yet there is gratification. Especially the next morning when I get up and revise.

The Net helps enormously here -- for many years now. Letters from and to friends; postings, the little missives from facebook.

The cats are here; my home is comfortable, many windows, lots of air, nothing to intimidate me in false or showy furniture.  Nothing or very little for show.  But I do get sad and lonely. I am alone much of the day is probably part of this.

I've worked at more successfully since coming onto the Net (with help from friends I met here) at going to conferences, joining clubs (JASNA -- Jane Austen society) and I take Yvette to movies we both enjoy and go with her to young Adults Aspergers clubs and groups (and parent support groups). But for the most part I am alone - as perhaps many here are and at night none of this applies.

I'm in two minds about this as often I don't enjoy myself all that much socializing; it causes anxiety getting there, I often experience it (not all the time, sometimes it is just enjoyment) with ambiguous feelings, and usually afterwards think about what happened with some painful sensations or in ambivalent ways -- I tend to expose myself unless I keep self-control strong.   So I'm also at peace. I love the music from NPR each evening as well. I imagine others are listening to it with me from around those places where NPR reaches.

I sent some of the above to my friends on Women with Aspergers and as a result of what they said I replied:

I do know of marriages that broke up because one spouse or partner insisted, insisted on the other watching TV with her (it was a her the one I'm remembering) and of course the program she wanted.  When I was young, I used to find it very irritating the way my mother would latch onto me and follow me around the house, not letting me have a moment to myself. Most of the time she worked outside the house (in offices) but when she was home, it was frustrating. And then she'd get angry as she saw I wanted to get away from her (my father too wanted to escape to a book) so she'd start quarrels based on what she disliked fundamentally about the house, our way of life &c&c.  Made for miserable evenings.

I also got kind, helpful, and supporive replies by many sharing my experiences and telling how they spent their evenings. As I expected, many people are alone at night and cope with it in similar ways to mine.


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