misssylviadrake (misssylviadrake) wrote,

Better nights

Dear friends,

My nights have improved. Why? I've been giving in to myself. When I'm exhausted or need to collapse say at 8:30 pm or 9, I don't worry that it's too early to sleep, I just go to sleep. If I wake in 3-4 hours which I usually do, then I just get up and read for 3 hours and then back to sleep for another 3-4. I get to read for real in a bright alert way, or I write friends or blog (occasionally as blogging can take more than 3 hours) during the "up" hours. If I find I'm nodding over my books, going into a kind of stupor and can't process the book, I don't sit there trying to force myself, pushing myself to a different book say and going into yet another frustrating stupor; instead I get up and go watch a movie and that I can do. The result has been nights I can enjoy and much better spirits for me during the night and next day because I've done things I wanted to do.

Early spring by Gary Melchers

Quite a while back now I realized I would no longer have the mortification (before myself) of remembering people who didn't remember me. I used to be able to remember all sorts of people's names and faces. Well, one day it was no more. And I began to wish I had the ability to remember once again because it desolates students when I cannot remember their names. Some neighbors too I cannot get their names to stick in my head. 

My solution is to ask the Admiral.

Then about 7 years ago during the end of term time when I have to produce general grades for all the students, I realized I could not remember my multiplication tables any more. Lost. Gone. I used it to help me do averages. As a girl in school, I was forced to recite my multiplication tables up to 10s and then was told I could figure out 11s and 12s. I never could 12s easily. I can't do long division or percentages. There what happened is we moved from the Bronx at the end of the fourth grade and I found in the Queens public school, the children had already learnt percentages and long division. The teacher had no time to teach me -- she couldn't be bothered. I do have a calculator on my desktop so use that. But it's not the same -- as for example, I don't carry a calculator around. But I carry on surviving. After all I never could do percentages and got 799 out of 800 on my GATs in maths for graduate school.

So it must not be a respected skill.

Walking downstairs I feel I'm going to fall. I have to hold on. I told Dr Villafuerte if I look down I think I'm losing my balance and going to fall. "Don't look down" she said and "hold onto the bannisters." So I do.

I go down more slowly.

About that time my feet went. I realized I had bunions. I could no longer wear most high heels.  My bones of my feet were becoming deformed. It's become much worse since and they are sore and since I do self-harm on my feet, well it's not good. The deformed feet are the worst as they make me walk ever-so-slightly wrongly and I get low back pain.  I wear ballet slippers and soft shoes. The sneaker-trainer shoes used to do for long walks, but my feet have become that changes that they hurt. I have recently found some open pumps with so little shoe (very fashionable) I can endure them, and a kind of scandal that has very thin straps with soft leather. These I wear for going out fancy or where I feel I must impress people or simply not walk around wearing bedroom slippers.

I tell my students I have this Mr Rogers's act when I arrive in boots and switch to slippers.

Two years ago I lost the tight hand-eye coordination I had which enabled me to take down everything people say in Pittman sten. I just don't have the coordination or precise muscle power. Actually when I go to write, my handwriting has become bad. Only if I write large is it legible. Often too I go to write one letter and write another! or one number and write another.  This gets scary. 

Then about two weeks ago my wrist startled to bother me when I write. So now I have changed from pencils to ball points who ink comes out like a fountain pen. This obviates the need to press down. But my lower part of my arm hurts when I try to remove ice from my car.

The computer is now really my best pen.

I had always had trouble reading at night. Certain kinds of books I could not do. Well this summer I began to be able to do none. I'd fall asleep on movies. Now for years I did fall asleep for four hours, up for 3 (read or write and/or blog), then sleep again.  But I didn't have to do this to read. Now I do.

Year chases Year, Decay pursues Decay,
Still drops some Joy from with'ring Life away...
                ---Samuel Johnson

Tags: life-writing (mine), listserv life

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