I had one of these harassing dreams last night where I wake, I realize after a time of great anxiety and shaking myself to throw off sleep that after all I am in my bed, but then falling back and dreaming the same dream again, though this time when I wake it's not so bad.
I dreamed I am at GMU with Yvette. I can't figure out why now. Dreams don't make sense. She is taking some kind of course. We are in a vast parking lot well beyond University drive, over to the other sides of the campus where there are yet more parking lots and buildings all the time. I cannot find my car. I look and look. I wander and wander. I say to Yvette, go home by bus or train and she takes money to do that when she's done. But I can't leave as I want to bring my car home with me too. I don't want to leave it behind. I wake in a sweat and have to shake myself to see I'm in my house, and my car on its parking pad, safe, un-misplaced.
But then I feel asleep again and there I was still at GMU, stuck, frantic over my lost car (seas of cars), but I wake and there are the two cats. Ian laying on top almost with his paw across me. Next to my head, between my body and the Admiral's Clary tucked in mewing something. It's morning, light and no more danger of this dream.
I told a friend and she interpreted: "you must know that is absolutely a typical dream after people have graduated? They dream that they left out a page of their final exam, or didn't pass their gym course, and have not graduated after all! One of the most common dreams there are."
Well I didn't know and wouldn't have seen the analogy of graduate diploma and parking lot unless it had been put this way.
But I did see it immediately. "Oh I see. Meaning I am frantic that I have not escaped GMU after all. Still stuck there and cannot find car either." I didn't know it was a common dream. I didn't pay any attention to high school graduation, I was living in the UK for college, and for graduate school I was happy to graduate but pre-occupied terribly (a real nervous breakdown) over my inability to do the interviews and try to get an entry level job. If I dreamed, I don't remember any more but that I was haggard, sleepless and not good to my dog the way I should have been. We were broke too -- he eating potato pancakes every other night, me spaghetti with ketchup. He had had his dissertation rejected and was waiting for this gov't job to come through. Very bad time. So graduation a nice moment.
I did once lose my car: Caroline will recall that I was pregnant with Yvette and we were at Springfield Mall. The thing was I left it downstairs on another level. I didn't know there were two levels. We kept walking round and round and I just couldn't find it. Hansel without his breadcrumbs.
But I feel the dream also includes a large admixture of unassimilated distress. I had a bad night in Vermont and have been thinking about myself over the course of my life. I got my first social security check this week. A reassurance the Admiral told me that it comes so quick.
I am afraid I'll lose my car. I am very fond of my car. Until recently it never broke down. It's just the right size. Though discolored it's blue, it's a Chevy -- just like Nancy Drew I have a blue car, and I can "see the US in my chevrolet" (like Dinah Shore used to sing on TV in the 1950s). I have listened to scores and scores of novels wonderfully read aloud in it It takes me where I am going and gets me back. I practice going places in it too; I take other people places -- including Yvette. The Admiral suggested we go down to one car and that when one goes, we junk it and buy one we can both drive. I cannot drive his jaguar. Out of the question. I see the practicality of the suggestion but maybe I don't want to lose my car.
I'm also musing a bit on the word "enhanced." Most improbably and inappropriately in the extreme, the euphemism for torture has been "enhanced interrrogation". Enhanced is a word I would have thought has all positive connotations. Maybe not. The E in these QEPs I felt I could not in conscience do, would lead to plagiarism, misery, and teach corrupt thinking to start with in scholarship stands for "enhanced."
One has to be careful to make sure the explanations for our dreams do not normalize, neutralize or say they are unimportant, to be dismissed (common).